Troll

My new favorite word of choice is Troll. Since everyone and everything is a mess and a hot mess these days I have decided to use a new term. Mess is being so overused that its making it difficult to let people know that you really disapprove of their look/behavior/decisions. I think troll has enough bite to it that it will definitely get the job done. For example, the next time I am on a train with a friend and a bum in a pink too tight tee chastises me for not giving him a quarter I will have the perfect response: Troll you better go sit down somewhere. Or the next time I go to work not looking like I stepped out of the pages of GQ I'll use the double whammy when the Nigerian Princess gives me the look of disdain: Yeah, I know I look a troll ass mess. Please do be offended if I launch a troll bomb in your direction.

If I Were A Dictator

Kim Jong is everyone's favorite dictator to make fun of (unless you live in North Korea, where you'd probably get killed for it). Nonetheless, you and he aren't as harmless as you may appear, and indeed both hold a lot of power in your own right.

Too Funny

A recent Youtube response to a Mary J. Blige tribute to Janis Joplin:

she should just give up...trying to cover Janis...lmao

Another viewer responded:

Janis Joplin was no vocal cherub herself. Come on now get off Ms. Blige!

ROTFL. Vocal Cherub. Get off Mary.

FrontOffice Girl Update

Now that FrontOffice Girl has joined her new group she isn't as boisterous or forthcoming with her complaints about the dead-end work she is doing. Most likely its because she is so busy she doesn't have time these days to shoot the breeze. However, she has adopted this new habit of creating nicknames for coworkers. Yet, unlike the rest of us, she has decided to refer to these people by their nicknames to their face. I am all for monikers that suit the individual. For example, the kid who just looks a hot mess all the time we now refer to as Mess. That is we he is not around. When Mess is in our presence we call him by his government. Anyway, FrontOffice Girl now refers to a grown thirty year old man as Smiley. If she needs help she comes over to his desk and literally shouts for the whole floor to hear Smiley can you help me. She even introduces him to other counters as Smiley. I currently don't know his actual name because she only calls him Smiley. Yesterday, she wrote an email that stated "Today is one of those days I really want to punch Smiley in the face." Smiley can't possibly enjoy being belittle by FrontOffice Girl but is quite likely smiling too much to say anything.

Runway

Lunch at Savings & Loans is a once in a lifetime experience. We eat, complain about our jobs, listen to stories about celebrity sightings, and most importantly judge people. LOL. We sit at lunch tables located right next to the exit and like the cool kids that we are judge everyone's attire. Nigerian Princess is relentless in her assault on the sartorially challenged. The Black Widow is has mastered a roll of the eyes and snicker that is quite magical when you see it. Are we bad people because of it? Probably. However, its a tough world out there and someone has to be our beacon of truth.

To Whom It May Concern

Although I have received a number of requests, I will not be visiting that city on the water known as New Orleans. After Katrina, I am not sure that its safe for some someone of my stature to visit. Plus, have you heard how they treat people down there? You only need to read the most recent news about R&B singer Tank. In closing I'll pass on New Orleans.

President's Day Weekend in DC

The King is out visiting another Kingdom and having a great time. I'm visiting the IrishGuard at Gerogetown Law School which is still in the running as my school of choice. The Georgetown law students are fun and I could definitely see myself having a great time here. The people are smart but not nerds. Plus, DC is a lot more orderly and cleaner, than I had imagined. So we shall see.

Valentine's Day Humor

In honor of Valentine's Day, I am posting a hilarious email from the Nigerian Princess. Only she would have this to say about receiving a bouquet of roses.

From: The Wedding Planner
Sent: Thursday, February 14, 2008 8:41 AM
To: King; NIgerian Princess
Subject: Morning

Happy Valentine's Day!

I wore all black today to commemorate the holiday. I thought it was fitting. I'm a lil disappointed that its bright and sunny outside. Yesterday's weather should have continued today (it rained all day yesterday for those of you not living in NYC)

How bout I ordered flowers for my mom to be delivered yesterday and it never showed up. I called customer service and there was a recording that said due to the high volume of calls, there will be no representatives to answer my call and then it hung up. I didn't know the representatives were the ones delivering the d@mn flowers. Stupid

From: Nigerian Princess
Sent: Thursday, February 14, 2008 9:09 AM
To: The Wedding Planner; King
Subject: RE: Morning

Awwww pobresita....

Omg today might not be soo bad afterall...there was a bouquet of pink&red roses waiting for me in the lobby this morning...whoever sent them must be reallly smart and know I would NEVER accept roses at work!!

From: Nigerian Princess
Sent: Thursday, February 14, 2008 9:13 AM
To: The Wedding Planer; King
Subject: RE: Morning

It's tres embarassing!!!!

I think it was my guy friend in London (maybe that's why they came soo early?). The msg wasn't all that sweet "to my #1 girl"...umm who is
#2-25?

In at Fordham

I have been admitted to Fordham Law School's Night program.

Fordham: She is a lot like Brooklyn only better. She is cute and intelligent but not quite as good as her older sisters NYU and Columbia. Her reputation is good but not quite like her sisters either. She is the one you go for cause the other two are too preoccupied with everyone else or you simply just dont have a chance in hell with her older sisters. If you would settle for anything less than your dream girl she might be the one. You wouldnt mind telling others that she is your girl but when you get around other circles she is less impressive. She is flexible meaning you can settle down with her or you can use her to get to her older sisters. At least, she is doable. She is not the best thing in the family (NYC) but she is far from the worst. -dreday3223

If Law Schools Were People We Dated

Below is a sample of law schools personified as possible love interests as posted on one of the boards I frequent. Too funny.

Notre Dame: Notre Dame is that ugly girl who thinks she is the shit. Every time I talk to her she reminds me she has a boyfriend and goes out of her way to act disinterested even though the first time we hung we were both drunk at a party and she told me she thought I was “really f-ing hot.” One of my friends told me she called me a “creep.” Screw you Notre Dame. I don’t even know why I was interested in the first place. -IDEK

Harvard: She's cute, she's smart, she dresses well, she's interesting, and you know she's going to have a good future. Of course, she lives in a terribly expensive neighborhood: one you aren't sure you can afford. She has a bad reputation with your friends. You just aren't sure how you feel about her... She always seems to date the same kind of guys: 6 feet tall and worth a few million. She likes the numbers. You'd rather be with her friends, the ones who are always dating the guys who might be a little bit uglier but are always doing really interesting things: saving the rain forest, curing cancer, helping AIDS orphans in Africa... You want to be one of those guys instead. But you now the odds are low, so you comfort yourself that with a bit of work you'll have the numbers that Harvard likes so much... -malena

NYU: She’s cool. She’s hip, and she loves her indie rock. She knows all the coolest bars, and (though she’d never admit it) she has expensive tastes. She drives to protests to save the world and end capitalism (in her dad’s Audi), and she rolls her eyes whenever you order meat at a restaurant. You become a vegetarian, she buys you new clothes and you feel cooler than ever… until you realize you don’t like the hip bars or the tight jeans, and you still can’t remember which band is which. She was everything you wanted to be… until you realize you hated being cool. You switch back to your old baggy jeans, t-shirts, and call up your old buddies to watch football and skip the protest. She stops calling and you don’t seem to mind. -chris0805

Deferred at Harvard

Yes, the girl of my dreams has deferred me. She has decided that she isn't quite sure if i am up to snuff. Typically, I would say chick please but Harvard is such a banger than I am more than willing to sit and wait for her response. I might even send some gifts to sweeten the deal. Seriously, usually a deferral would make someone like me upset and bitter (i.e. when Stanford decided I wasn't good enough to be a Cardinal) In this case I am excited because it means I still have a chance. A slim yes but a chance. So over the next couple of days I will be entering the zone to explain why I want and need Harvard so much.

Alicia Keys

King was not bothered by the fact that Alicia won over Mary for Best R&B Vocal Performance/Song. Although we know Just fine to be a better song than No One both vocally and overall, we also recognize that Clive Davis owns the Grammys. What he says goes and he has decided that Alicia is must be our favorite. Thus, we shall be forced fed her overly contrived and crappy music. Yet, we all know who the Queen is.

Beheading

Offense: Squandering a Great Opportunity
Offender: The Grammys

On music's biggest night, the people who run the show decided to reinforce the common held belief that music is dead. They actually opened the show with a dead legend, Frank Sinatra, and an oft praised but underwhelming Alicia Keys. Complete snooze fest. The akward duets continued for most of the night with a no stage presence having Fergie screaming as John Legend played the piano. We all would have benefited if the two switched places. The showpiece of the night was a phoned in performance from Amy Winehouse all the way from London. Let's just say Amy should heed "they" advice and stay in Rehab. For a 50th Anniversary show there was no sign that this was the beginning of another 50 great years.

Punishment: 50 Free Itunes downloads for anyone who watched this crap

Make Me a Supermodel

Have you guys been watching this show on Bravo? I must say I really do enjoy it. Its nothing like seeing really hot people, who have been told there whole lives how gorgeous they are, feel insecure about their bodies and their looks. It is like a kick in the stomach to these kids and oh it makes for compelling tv. My favorites are Jackie and Perry although it appears awkward swan Shannon is going to win. Have you ever wondered what is like to be a 10? I mean to be so gorgeous that other people can't stand you. That must be an amazing feeling. It might even top being king. Then again, nothing tops being the ruler of your own world because in that world I am always the sexiest, smartest, coolest man alive.

Beheading

Offender: WebMD
Offense: Scaring the Hell out of Me

So today I had this really funny feeling in the back of my throat (insert vulgar sexual comment here). Seriously, plus these little off-white balls kept developing in my mouth (insert crude comment here). So I type in my symptoms and WebMD and these fools tell me I might have cancer. I read all the literature they provide and my symptoms do match what they describe. So you know I am about to lose it. I am far too young to have cancer. I really don't wanna die. So to make a long story short I type the same symptoms into google and get the real cause of my illness. Apparently, the balls are the result of my tonsils releasing dead cells. Its a common problem that affects millions of Americans. Didn't that just sound like a pharmaceutical commerical or a political ad? Anyway, I am fine and WebMD needs to be immediately removed from the internet before they cause a fragile person unlike myself to cause bodily harm to themselves from their ridiculous suggested diagnosis.