Beheading

Offender: My Desk at Work
Offense: Sartorial Assault

Over the past few weeks the strangest phenomenon has been taking place. Every two weeks I wash my dress shirts and bring them to the dry cleaners to be pressed. When I go to pick up the shirts they're returned with one or two shirts having tears along the right elbow. At first, I thought it was the Dry Cleaners, since they have the propensity to burn buttons on dress shirts and never accept blame for them. They only seem even more suspect when they make outlandish suggestions like "Oh, we cut shirt for you and make into short sleeve." Um, no. I don't see myself as the King of the Pocket Protector Society. Anyway, when it happened to four shirts I knew it couldn't possibly be the dry cleaners. They couldn't possibly be that bold as to destroy four of MY shirts. Then today as the Nigerian Princess and I are walking over to P&L, our fav café that serves crack in coffee form, Nigerian Princess goes: "You have something white on your elbow." I check my elbow and low and behold my favorite grey cashmere sweater is torn at the elbows. Cashmere------>expensive------->ruined -----------> One more reason I hate this job. Apparently, its this cheap cubicle desk and the way its connected, that is without provocation ruthlessly attacking my well cultivated wardrobe.

Punishment: I am spilling coffee and ink all over this desk. I am going to make sure its defaced so much that it cannot stand to look at itself. Meanwhile, Savings & Loans can definitely expect that some way or somehow I am going to recoup my hundreds of dollars in losses.