Beheading

Offender: Phil Simms & Jim Nantz
Offense: Impersonating Rational Beings

Hey Jim! Hey Phil! Guess what? Calling a football game is not an opportunity to demonstrate what attending public school might be like. JK. But seriously guys, you suck. I don't think you could be more unflappable in you ability to distort what is actually happening in the game you are calling. Jim you're the play-by-play guy. Your only job is to get the player name and yards gained correct. Yeah, we actually expect you to match the number on the jersey you see on the field with number and name on the sheet right in front of your fat stupid face. Yet, we don't expect you to explain to us how a particular defensive scheme works. You acting as if you're knowledgeable about football equates to Amy Winehouse describing what its like to be sober. Phil you're the commentator. That means you need to commentate. Do you need someone to explain to you what that entails? Peyton Manning completed that pass because he saw the Patriots were in a Flex-Cover 2 rather than Man coverage is commentating. Stating, "Peyton is good. He is really good" merely makes you appear even more inane than the drunk losers at the bar watching the game. I really would like to know how these two idiots got be the number one team on CBS. It must be some type of affirmative action policy for dummies.

Sentence: Cleaning the Locker Room of the dirtiest scummiest team in the NFL, the aforementioned Dirty Birds, the Philadelphia Eagles.