Why I Want to be A Lawyer

Exhibit 1:
It's very early, but it's true: Cravath, Swaine & Moore announced bonuses today!!! Here are the numbers:

Class of 2007 -- Year end bonus $35,000 (prorated), no special bonus
Class of 2006 -- Year end $35,000, special $10,000
Class of 2005 -- Year end $40,000, special $15,000
Class of 2004 -- Year end $45,000, special $20,000
Class of 2003 -- Year end $50,000, special $30,000
Class of 2002 -- Year end $55,000, special $40,000
Class of 2001 -- Year end $60,000, special $50,000
Class of 2000 -- Year end $60,000, special $50,000 (same as 2001)

This is on top of a base salary of $160,00 thousand for the class of 2007. I could definitely work with that.

Exhibit 2:

Elevator Etiquette

Excuse me. Did I ask you to join in my conversation? Why does everyone think it their birthright to interrupt and participate in my conversation on the elevator? Just because I decided to continue my personal conversation on the elevator does not give you an invitation to partake in my discussion. Mind your damn business! Better yet face the doors, don't move, and keep your mouth shut. Do I come over to your cubicle and join in on your personal conversation about Uncle's Bob's drinking problem? Nope. So next time your on the elevator and FrontOfficeGirl starts talking about how much she hates her job or I am talking about how much money I lost in Vegas, please let us be.

Moral Character

Is it me or does television make every man seem like a dog? I am watcing Brothers & Sisters, which revolves around a deceased pater familias and the impact of his philandering on his family. In this episode one of his sons decides to continue an affair with his subordinate. I guess like father like son. But why must television enforce this idea the every man is a dick? Maybe, it is the case. As a man I would hope that a majority of us a better than that. I would hope that the majority of us could be great husbands and dads. Honestly, after watching as many movies and tv shows as I have, I am not sure. So the king is seeking guest contributions on the following: Is every man a dick?

Sarko the American

Finally, a Frenchie the Average American can take home to dinner. The French Prime Minister apparently loves everything American including our idiotic bumbling President. I am not sure how well this pro American sentiment plays in France, a country where its one's birthright to hate America's power and influence in the world, but its a fine turn of events. When was the last time France was relevant Paris Fashion Week notwithstanding. The fact is the French have an inferiority complex. I hope none of my subjects suffer from the same ailment. If for any other reason, you might be mistaken for a French citizen.

LSAT Update

I am starting to pimp Logic Games. Yeah, I am improving my score slowly but surely. If anyone is interested I have taken about four full LSAT exams. My scores have ranged from 158 to 165. Its not where I want to be but its a start. I need a 170 to compensate for my terrible GPA. Basically, on every practice exam I have got less than half the questions correct in the logic games section, which means I am losing 12 raw score points before I even touch the other three sections. Luckily, I am not totally idiot and I make up for my losses in Reading Comprehension. My goal is to get 18/22 correct in the logic games when I take the actual test. I know its asking a lot but a king must do what a king must do.

She's Back

Mary J Blige - Just Fine
Uploaded by yardie4life

Sartorial Splendor

It is rare that a loyal subject says anything of consequence to the King. But on this Rainy, Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day a commoner touched my heart with the following (Disregard the crude use of language; we are going for sentiment in this case):

ooooo King and (not to be named royal) look rully rully good today lol...but then you always dress well...today was more like "I'm going to Olympia fashion show after this nonsense."

I am sure what this commoner was attempting to say is the king clearly takes himself seriously. Not only does he believe himself the most fit to rule but he also understands that he must present himself as such to the world. Often, it is not enough to verbally communicate how you have ordered your world. One must non-verbally, in the form of dress, demeanor, and even scent say to the world, "This, right here, is all mine. Respect the crown."

If any of my loyal subjects remain unclear as to the importance of their manner of dress I leave them with the following:

When you wake up in the morning, you're relatively objective about what the day has in store for you--sometimes you're more apprehensive, sometimes you're more optimistic, sometimes you're less. But as you're getting dressed, if you look in the mirror and you think that you look great, then you're going to be as good as you can be. But if you think you look clumsy or awkward, you might as well just go out and get hit by a car, because you don't have a chance. In other words, how you see yourself is the way you'll end up being. Not taking those few moments in the morning to decide what you're saying to people by how you're choosing to dress is a lost opportunity. - Kenneth Cole

Halloween is not to be Celerbated

To All:
By order of the King, Halloween is not to be celebrated. It is a wack holiday created for those self-loathing individuals who can't accept their rather common existence. Weak individuals bask in the glory that is becoming someone else. Losers dress up as Barney Rubble and a Druken Britney Spears. Pretending that your existence is meaningful won't make it so.

Beheading

Offender(s): Muletsag Nauj & Nayr Ecadnac
Offense: High treason for the attempt to compass, imagine, invent, devise or intend the harm of the person of the King

For a majority of my loyal subjects college still represents a seminal period in their lives. Many will cite their college years as the period they came to know themselves. Personally, I learned that I was a King and had to begin to behave as such. Sartorial excellence, giving orders, and resisting any type of work or activity that would cause me any discomfort or just didn't interest me were in face my birthright. Thus, when professors asked questions on exams that I didn't approve the most appropriate response was to not answer the question. Who cares if I would fail because the exam because it was composed of only two questions? Kings must stay true to themselves.
During my college years I also learned this very important lesson: Be selective about who you associate with. Royalty cannot befriend the campus skank but they must ensure that the important people like the
Chair of a particular department is on their side. With that end in mind I was diligent and steadfast in assembling the most eclectic bunch of friends. Individuals, who I believed would be around far after I graduated college. To my surprise this has not been the case. Some of the people I was closest to, people who I allowed into my world have let me down. They have literally treated me like some bald-headed step child. They have acted as if my friendship meant little
more to them than their numerous late night random hookup. More importantly, they have forgotten that I know secrets. Secrets that I am sure they would hate to have their parents discover while picking up the
mail tomorrow. That's right folks I only no one way to play the game and that's hard.

Punishment: Living with the fact that the King has and will obtain great wealth and you will enjoy not a morsel of it.

Counting Sucks

Counting is not fun. Work is not fun. Good night.

Readership and Interest in RexRegnat Grows

Apparently my loyal subjects are starting to enjoy the blog. Some subjects are so enthused they have sent special email requests:

Can you please do a feature on a certain girl who insists on cleaning her teeth in public as though it were socially acceptable and prances around the work place talking hella loud and with toothbrush/toothpaste in hand?? Pleaseeee

As king not only do I say and do I want but I also make dreams come true. So to that loyal reader/subject wish granted.

That certain colleague, who we will shall refer to as FrontOfficeGirl, despises her current occupation. She believes a career in counting far beneath the Ivy League education her mommy and daddy paid so much for. Thus, FrontOfficeGirl spends her day belittling the counting of her coworkers and lamenting the fact that she works in the special type of counting firm glorified in national folklore, the Investment Bank, while not being an actual banker or trader. She can often be heard across the floor at a fellow counter's desk spewing the following: "WE ARE BACK OFFICE. THIS IS NOT WHERE I SEE MYSELFFFFF." I know where
FrontOfficeGirl might end up if she doesn't cease and desist her rampant complaining in front of her manager's office and my counting table, the UNEMPLOYMENT LINE.

Besides bashing her chosen profession, FrontOfficeGirl also spends an enumerable amount of time obsessing over her dentes (Teeth). The blog's title is Latin. Come on. At lunch, she can be found rubbing her teeth with a napkin while follow counters attempt to enjoy their food. At least three times a day you can find FrontOfficeGirl in the ladies room brushing her teeth. Who brushes their teeth in a disgusting public restroom? I barely want to relieve myself in said water closets, so there is no way I am putting anything in my mouth when I do visit one. Plus, who knows if US Senator Larry Craig has made a visit to that bathroom or not? After she brushes, FrontOfficeGirl loves to make a show of the fact that she has just brushed her teeth by displaying her nasty toothbrush on her counting table. To my amazement the brush is left uncovered and on top of important work documents. Can anyone say unprofessional? How do you count at a table with a bacteria incubator shouting your name? Oh, the things you non royals do.

The list could go on about FrontOfficeGirl's behavior but we only have so much time in our day to devote to plebs. At any rate, FrontOfficeGirl we issue you a stark reminder: Teeth with cavities are never saved. They are almost always removed.

LSAT Stands for Legally Sanctioned Anal Torture

I am sure that is not the first time that joke has been made nor will it be the last. Hopefully, you get the point. I hate the LSAT. The Law School Admission Council should be tried for some type of statute violation for forcing this "test" upon anyone who wants to an attend law school not named The Law School and run out of their Uncle Eddie's warehouse that also produces t-shirts cut and sewn by a bunch of undocumented illegal aliens. What is presented as a test is actually an experiment: Most Effective Ways to Force Someone to Question Their Existence. Some of their well tested methods include making people read and pick apart topics as exciting as the debatee surrouding the evolution of bacteria flagellum. When they really want to mess a person up they ask her to decipher whether obscure Object 1 is seated contiguous to even more obscure Object 2 or not even recognizable Object 3 by informing you that obscure Object 1 cannot be comprehended. I just don't get it. Do you? If the LSAT is attempting to prepare me for a legal career characterized by misery, hopelessness, fear, and, anger than I guess its goal has been achieved.

There has to be a better way to determine whether I am fit to attend law school. Might I suggest reading this blog or better yet an interview? Wait, that means I definitely wouldn't get in. Maybe law schools could talk to my friends. Isn't it a fact that all lawyers are annoying, talk entirely too much, and have an opinion about everything. I know my friends can vouch for that.

LSAC you're a hot mess and you need to get yo' life together.

Beheading

Offender: Dirty Birds aka Philadelphia Eagles fans
Offense: Drunk Disorderly Conduct

Today I went to the Eagles vs. Bears game. Two words: Ugly people. I don't think I have encountered a more homely gathering of individuals. Most Eagles' fans haven't met a beer they didn't greet with wet welcoming lips. They alcohol didn't help their already limited reasoning abilities. Who sits on the concrete floor of a stadium and literally eats food off said floor like its being served on Wedgwood China? Yet, those Dirty Birds didn't lack the propensity to launch insults at a 6 year old girl attending her first NFL game and more than pleased to see her uncle on the field. Shame on you Eagles fans.

Sentence: A Bath.

The Law

I am scheduled to take the LSAT in December. Six weeks ago I had no plans on attending law school or being a lawyer. In fact, prior to graduation I decided that law school wasn't for me. Even though it was what I had dreamed of as a kid, at the time I didn't have the motivation to do three more years of schol. I was tired of writing papers that said nothing other than what my professor wanted to hear. I was tired of college life too. I wanted to be free. That meant getting a job at Savings & Loans that would help pay the bills while I decided what to do with my life. After a few weeks working in the mine, I realized I didn't so much enjoy counting or digging or whatever you want to call what I do. Then I read this article and my world changed. I was supposed to be this kid. So now I am going to law school.

http://www.observer.com/2007/polish-those-portfolios-legal-eaglets-seek-their-nests

Polish Those Portfolios! Legal Eaglets Seek Their Nests
by David LatPublished: September 11, 2007

I was waiting for the downtown train when I spotted him. It was a warm August day, and most of us were keeping still to stay cool. But he was pacing back and forth on the subway platform, awkwardly clutching a leather portfolio. He looked prematurely professional, like the high-school debater he probably once was.

Portfolio Boy was covering maybe half the platform. He stopped and removed his gray jacket—a sign he wasn’t used to wearing a suit—and resumed pacing.

In light of the season and the location (53rd Street and Fifth Avenue), I had a guess about who Portfolio Boy might be. So I struck up a conversation.

I was right. He’s a second-year law student at Columbia. His friends call him Jeff. And yes, he was in the middle of the law-firm interview process.

Each autumn, Portfolio Boys and Girls descend on New York’s top law firms, applying for jobs as summer associates. Who can blame them? Summer associates earn over $3,000 a week, work reasonable hours on interesting projects, and lunch at Jean Georges. And just as certain sleeve cuts are all the rage at Fashion Week, some law firms are “hot”—and some are not. Having interviewed with firms exactly 10 years ago, I was curious: Who is this fall’s “It” Firm?

As it turns out, the answer depends on what type of student you are and which crowd you hang with. Here’s what I learned from my decidedly unscientific survey of law student opinions about law firms.

Gunners: For those hyperambitious students with dreams of clerking for (or sitting on) the Supreme Court, the firm of choice these days is M&A powerhouse Wachtell, Lipton, Rosen & Katz.

“It’s the most prestigious,” explained Portfolio Boy. And for gunners, that’s all that matters. Wachtell’s legendary bonuses for its associates—which in recent years have roughly equaled base salaries, unheard of among Big Law shops—don’t hurt.

Another gunner favorite, Cravath, Swaine & Moore, is more white-shoe and WASP-y. But Wachtell bested Cravath in profits per partner by almost $1 million last year. It also recently surpassed Cravath in the Vault 100 law-firm prestige rankings—the gunner’s gospel.

Wachtell’s fame has even traveled overseas. Standing outside Fordham Law, where he’s pursuing an LLM degree, a handsome, slender Frenchman named Nicolas observed, in between drags on a cigarette and with pleasingly Gallic hauteur, “If you’re a partner at Wachtell, you’re a very prestigious person.” D’accord!

(Disclosure: I was a law school gunner, and I worked at Wachtell from 2000 to 2003. But it wasn’t quite as hot back then—unless you’re thinking of the heat associated with a sweatshop.)

Bar Belles: According to Rob, a 2L at NYU, one firm that’s in demand this season is Davis Polk & Wardwell. Why? “I’ve heard they have good-looking associates.”

Some things never change. When I interviewed a decade ago, Davis was already known as a bastion of beauty on aesthetically challenged Lexington Avenue. It was the firm of choice for the prom queen and king of my law school class—the editor in chief of the law journal, a luminous doll-like beauty with a vast family fortune, and her Abercrombie-handsome future husband. They were joined at Davis by enough comely Asian females to cast Memoirs of a Geisha.

Human Beings: It’s no secret that nobody goes to Big Law for the lifestyle. At Wachtell, I billed about 2,700 hours a year, worked many more, and still felt like a slacker.

Despite this grim reality, in every law school class some people believe in kinder, gentler law firms. And lavender unicorns. Among these folks, the New York office of Latham & Watkins is generating buzz. The firm was founded in Los Angeles, and some Golden State appeal has apparently rubbed off on its Gotham outpost.

“California firms are perceived as less hierarchical,” said Rob. “When we think of California, we think of sun and fun”—two things New York lawyers don’t see enough of, judging from their pallid and grim visages.

Lifestyle types also still gravitate toward perennial favorites Cleary Gottlieb Steen & Hamilton, known for cultivating a quirky, pleasingly academic atmosphere, and Debevoise & Plimpton, which relentlessly works the whole “we’re Big Law but we’re nice” angle. The firm Web site even features MP3 clips recorded by current associates, who gush over Debevoise and use the word “collegial” in every other sentence. (But query whether these testimonials sound a little like tape recordings from hostages to their families.)

Debevoise recently topped The American Lawyer’s “A-List” ranking of leading law firms for the fourth consecutive year. But word on the street is that some associates aren’t happy campers. Maybe it’s because of all those “MJW Specials”: massive internal investigations of major international corporations, reeled in by Mary Jo White, former U.S. attorney for Manhattan and rainmaker extraordinaire. While such long-running and lucrative matters are great for Debevoise, they’re not much fun for associates—who get shipped away for weeks at a time, to review documents in a warehouse in Munich.

And what of Portfolio Boy? He doesn’t yet know where he’ll be going next summer. Did he get a Wachtell interview? No. But he’ll be just fine. As soon as he stops pacing and takes a deep breath, he’ll realize that all these firms are essentially the same

Savings & Loans

Savings & Loans is what I use to refer to the bank I work for. Ocasionally, I might call it the Gold Mine. Whatever its called, the place prints money. Its prints so much money that its able to acquire the services of royal gentleman like me to keep track of how much its printing. The money is printing in such quantities that as a counter you begin to lose sight of the value of a dollar. That is until you get paid for your counting. Then you realize you can't afford to live near the money printing machines. Instead you have to live in a another state and commute to work, where your royal entourage consists of smelly counters of other banks who don't know the meaning of soap & water.

I have been working at Savings & Loans since I graduated college 5 months ago. I am not sure if counting is for me. I am not sure if working is for me.

A Few Things out of the Way

What is this blog about? Basically, the blog will be about my so called life. Over the next couple of days I will reveal small tidbits about who I am, what I do, and what I like. The driving force of the blog will be the Beheading. Each day (more like when I feel like blogging) I will pick one person, whom I will bring before us and try for a crime against humanity or my delicate sensibilities. As king I will be the sole arbiter, judge and jury. Everyone is fair game including friends, family, and coworkers. Don't worry, I won't be naming names.

I also posted my stock answers to a couple of questions that I know will surface as we get to know each other. Reference these responses whenever you're in doubt about what I write.

Why are you so damn mean?

King: Mean. I am not mean. I am just honest. It;s not my job to make people feel good about themselves. I call things as I see them. If you're dumb, you're dumb. If you're fat, you're fat. If you have a great mind, I want to be your friend. There is no filter or screen to what I think. If people think I am mean it's probably because they put too much faith in what other people think.

The reason you are so mean is you are not really as tough as you say you are. In fact people say you are internalizing your insecurities.

King: I suggest you go pickup a copy of The Breakthrough and listen to track 7. Get back to me when you do (Yes, it took less than three posts for me to mention Mary. Get used to it. New Album in stores November 27th)

Kingdom Come

After much consultation with the powers that be (I am still not sure who they are but I know one of them has a penchant for making financially
starved college graduates lose all their money in Atlantic City. More on my gambling problems later.) I have been granted a blog. Yes, King Henry as some of you have come to know me has been provided a public forum to chastise all those people in the world, who make life seem like it's just not worth living. In all seriousness, this blog will represent a celebration of all things Broderick. I know many of you are saying to yourselves is that not every conversation I have with him. Either way, today will be remembered as the day the world took one huge leap forward.